There will be days like this! Days when I want to put a blanket over my head and hold up the white flag. These days never get easier and unfortunately they are as regular as the rising sun. So what am I going to do?
I have found a humbling truth to my son’s meltdowns that is; when he has one I too have one. I pray and pray for God to change him and day after day he remains the same with the same triggers but so do I. Who is the adult here? Who is spouting wisdom and picking up the first stone? Ashamedly, I am. With all these years behind me I still make the same mistake of jumping right into his crazy boat with him.
I can’t lead him his sister or anyone else without inspiring something. I have to choose kindness when everything in me wants to be unkind. I have to pause before a mean word is uttered. I am the adult, whether I like it or not, this is my task. No I cannot make him tell me the answer that I know he knows, I cannot make him read a sentence of six words, I cannot make him respect me as his teacher and his mother. No I can bring him the subjects and calmly introduce his work but it is ultimately his choice.
My choice is to love, and when I cannot love as big as he needs then Jesus will take the lead.
I know why parents say they cannot home school because they cannot get along with their son. I get it! Home school is a mirror of myself and I get to choose to allow Jesus to take over and die to my wants or I can give up. It’s been 5 years and there are still meltdowns almost daily, but when I am really honest with myself I have to admit I too have meltdowns that I want someone to give me grace for. For when you know how forgiven you really are, then you can extend grace that much more.
He may never change while living under this roof. God has to give my son a redemption story fit for a leader and I don’t want to stand in the way of that. My story is being worked out daily and my prayers from years past for more patients, a mission filed, let me be your hands and feet are all happening and it is my joy that God has allowed my children to be a part of my day to day.
Lord, thank you for my son.